Delaying your good may be a deceiving way to hurt yourself…
I don’t have time to…..fill in the blank
I’ll do (something you really want to do or something you know is good for you) …but it has to wait till I’m done with X or Y
You are not giving yourself permission to be happy.
Yes, you. Not your kids, your husband, your boss, or the government. YOU are not giving yourself permission to receive your good.
As I sat in a session listening to my client tell me for what seemed a hundredth time that she felt like she was chasing the clock, I kept thinking how this is a disturbing tendency of most burnout-prone people. What is that tendency? Postponing rest, fun, and self-care.
This person said she wanted all of these things, BUT first, she had to get “important things” done. Sounds familiar? It sure did to me. I did that for the first half of my life. I call it the good girl syndrome. I had to “prove” to myself (and in my head also prove to others) that I deserved my good. In the process, I added more things to my list so I could feel even more impressive. But what I was really doing was delaying the reward further. I was making sure I never got there, like the cartoons with the horse chasing the carrot.
This may seem extreme to you, but with enough self-study, you can see it is true. We hold such a low view of ourselves that we devise this clever way to disguise punishment: We don’t get to enjoy life until we are “perfect.”
The amount of guilt, blame, and industrial-efficiency mindset that comes from this way of thinking is devastating. I know it because it made me a workaholic and people pleaser. To date, I have always been aware of my “super achiever” tendencies when they want to take over.
When we do this, we forget that we need things other than efficiency and productivity in our lives, and in turn, all the things we do to deserve our good push our well-being even further. It is a vicious cycle. Do you have to finish your long and empty to-do list before you deserve a break?
Do you have to dot all your “i” and cross your “t” to deserve a wholesome meal, a healthy movement class, a pampering bath, and even a loving gesture?
Why are you punishing yourself, darling?
This question may take a very long time to answer, and in my coaching, we use the body and sensations to change. Why? Because it is easier to act your way into a way of thinking. The mind, I remind you, is very slippery. But the body, oh, the body is fantastic! It is your biggest ally, your most transparent source of information and feedback.
Your mind doesn’t know what the body is telling you. It tries to interpret and make stories, but those stories are impressed with past memories, limited beliefs, and much more.
The body always knows first that it is noble and innocent. It just tells you like it is. It is a wonderful communicator.
Listen to the body and what it is telling you…
It is telling you I NEED REST, I NEED CARE, I NEED BETTER FOOD, I NEED MOVEMENT.
The mind will get tangled in explanations and delays to keep you in the habitual place.
Give yourself permission to be happy.
Your worth doesn’t rest on the check marks on your to-do list.
Perhaps you were told as a child that you had to finish your chores before playing.
Perhaps the workplace is turning you into a machine.
These stories about perfectionism, having to struggle, staying busy, etc., will untangle every time you act instead of getting lost in thinking.
My advice to this client was to follow her needs for nourishment. Instead of looking for the short-lived accomplishment of a task she didn’t care about, I suggested she do something that would make her feel good every day. This can be hard if you’ve never done it. Your mind is probably complicating things as we speak. But it is simple! Stretch for a few minutes, drink some tea, listen to music you like, call your best friend, take a bath, or go outside and take a walk. It is simple. Follow your need for nourishment at least once a day, and don’t make it dependent on what you have accomplished. Do it because it feels good. Choose to feel good
If thinking about bliss leads you to food, TV, your cell phone, and other things, try again. Start a list of alternative items that are outside the things you use to escape. Eventually, you’ll find that those things do not make you happy. The body will show you in ways of poor health, nervousness, bad sleep, and mental fog that says, “This is not feeling good.”
Happiness comes from a sense of well-being that can be injected into your daily routine. That is your first step. Listen to your need for replenishing and act on these without delay.
You don’t have to earn your well-being. That is your birthright. You just have to claim it for yourself.
Do it today. What is your body asking for?
Coach Maria Marcano
