We like to get accolades, and we love to receive encouragement, and that is all good. But if everything you do in order to rise above the effects of your burnout is tied to some type of social reward or to convince yourself that you are doing something even when you aren’t making changes, then you are aggravating the issue. I call this accessorizing. People do it all the time.
We add things here and there that look good from the outside, but we don’t create lasting change. The reality is that when we do this, we do it because we want to feel good about ourselves for a while. No harm there, right? The trouble arises when this becomes a habit.
What do we do? Take a class or workshop and post on social. Take a vacation or go to a retreat and tell others about it. Get a spa membership, read the latest #1 self-help book, and stick to the same yoga class or reiki healer for ages. These things make us feel good about ourselves when we are doing them but do not translate into life changes.
I remember wanting to heal on “my terms.” It had to be how I liked it; it had to go with my preferences. I ended up lopsided and still burned out. I resisted taking uncomfortable action until the symptoms got very real. “This isn’t working!!” down on my knees, I went.
I could have blamed myself (I’m lazy, silly, my body is broken, the usual), but this time, it was different; it felt uncomfortable but also liberating. I had to believe in something outside of my preferences and my intellect. I had to believe that I would be supported by life in my saying YES to myself. I was done pretending that “I could figure it out.”
How does this accessorizing habit look for you? Consider these patterns:
For type A people, the “got-getters” and career-oriented ladies, this bypassing tends to be consuming information. Taking another class, doing another workshop, listening to another speaker, going to a seminar, reading another book, and even getting an accreditation. It’s all good on paper, but at the core, nothing gets implemented. You either end up overwhelmed with all the new information, or you now have a new, very intellectual arsenal of responses (called excuses) to avoid guidance. You get good at talking about the solution to others without acting on this knowledge. The danger here is that since you “know more,” you may think, I did my job, but still feel tired. That isn’t healing.
For the empaths and caregivers: Those who put themselves last and can’t say No. This group loves the metaphysical and “spiritual” accessories. The crystals and the oils, the classes on chakras, sound healing, mystical divination, and all the circles. It is also common to use the stars, planets, and other ideas not to take full responsibility for our lives because, let’s face it, you don’t have the energy to take responsibility for anything else. This, often, has little to do with spiritual work. It is entertaining, soothing, and fun. These practices are “add-ons” to one’s serious work, not the core. So, because they don’t create change, you end up feeling like the universe is not with you or that nothing works! This isn’t healing, either.
This hurts, of course. Deep down, you are afraid of looking in. Your emotions and sensations have become a foreign concept, and your environment encourages you to avoid them. Why would you go there? So, a way to feel good is to participate in public displays of self-help. We get validated and pretend something of lasting value is going to happen. We invest our money in something we like and get a good feeling.
The saddest part is that this hurts too, and it hurts more because it stays in your psyche as a failure or self-betrayal. It emphasizes the idea that there is no solution.
Ask yourself if these things are providing you with long-lasting burnout recovery. Healing is in the day-to-day, where no one sees you, and for burned-out women, it usually involves the body and emotions, a place most are now avoiding.
When we get really down to the business of repairing burnout, only the coachable come out of the stress merry-go-round. You need to be coachable because you will need someone else to hold a safe space to go where you need to go. And for women, we need specialized help because our bodies and emotions are unique.
Don’t fall into the trap of “accessorizing” your life with more knowledge, rituals, or elaborate escapes. Your first step is to assess your coachability. Because if you aren’t coachable you are resisting life’s cues, you are missing the daily lessons. If you aren’t coachable, no one can help you.
Ask yourself now:
- How coachable am I?
- Have I been accessorizing (sticking to my preferences) instead of healing?
- If so, How is that working out? (my advice is to interview your loved ones on the last question; they will tell you the truth )
How can you be more coachable? To start, be honest with yourself, notice how often you avoid discomfort, and follow your own agenda. Listen closely. Hold yourself in honesty, and healing will happen.
Maria Marcano
