“We did not evolve to self-regulate. We evolved to co-regulate”
This is a quote from Stephen Porges, the father of Polyvagal theory.
This quote encompasses thousands of years of intelligence, and one of the reasons why, after years of independence, many women collapse.
Many smart women understand this intellectually; they even take self-help classes and read books. You may have even heard that your thoughts create your reality, and you want to envision a new you who asks for help and collaborates more. However, most don’t consider that before you are conscious of your thoughts, your body already starts to act, and that those actions (at the cellular and organ level) determine your thinking and actions.
You’ve heard me say that your body (aka your nervous system) knows first. And what it knows is shaped by all the incomplete stress cycles it carries at any given moment. This is why Self-regulation matters, although it has sadly become a “fad”, a cliche term we use to do the things the same way we do everywhere else: Alone.
In our individualistic and painfully “DIY” society, the same issues that burn people out, like the oversimplistic “You can do it” motto, get in the way of you ever getting off the burnout merry-go-round. Because self-care, self-regulation, or self-help alone won’t work.
Harnessing the power of regulation and learning how to expand your window of tolerance (resilience) are powerful tools, but you cannot do it alone. Because you didn’t evolve to do it alone.
When my clients come to me, they have tried the spa, breathing, vagus nerve exercises, yoga, self-help books, videos, etc. They are unaware that they’re doing it the hard way: Alone.
Do you want a shortcut? Do it with others.
This is the power of coregulation.
Lack of coregulation contributes to stress, burnout, anxiety, and depression. And because everyone is so dysregulated, especially in the workplace, we feel alone, perpetuating the cycle.
Ask yourself…
Who is my coregulation source?
Am I a healthy coregulating source for my family and loved ones?
Coregulation is when you lean on others for support, sharing energy and emotions. It’s a reminder that self-care alone is not enough to overcome burnout. It needs a person or group that gives you safety, trust, attunement, and nonjudgmental presence, to feel seen, heard, and supported in real time.
This is not just being in a room with others. This is receiving the supportive presence of a regulated person to help your nervous system build safety. It is a biochemical reaction for which you are wired.
And it is quite possibly the missing link in your healing.
For my clients, my nervous system is one of these powerful sources.
And perhaps, it can be that for you, too. Do you want to stop going at it alone?
With love,
Maria
